Baby You’re Tone Deaf — John Legend Is Sexiest Man Alive, But That Re-Write Is Crazy

People Magazine has just caught up with the rest of the world and named singer / songwriter John Legend 2019’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Legend’s wife Chrissy Teigen let that ass out of the bag when she posted a bare-butt pic of her hubby on Instagram a few years ago. After I saw that, I’ve been waiting for Legend to give me the green light. But alas, he’s not made that call yet.

Like People Magazine, I’m late to the Legend party. I fell for the 40-year-old just a few years ago, when he opened for Sade on tour. It was the first time in years I wanted more of a show’s opening act. And that was before I’d seen his ass.

I was a huge fan of Legend’s 2018 Christmas album, A Legendary Christmas, and his accompanying throw-back NBC special, going as far as to say that his was a worthy successor to Michael Buble’s televised holiday parties from a few years ago.

But that holiday glow has dimmed with Legend’s recently released, expanded version of that album. It includes a few new “bonus” tracks, including a ridiculous version of the holiday classic “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” He’s rewritten the song, eliminating some of the “controversial” lyrics for the post-#MeToo era.

And in doing so, Legend has shown his ass — in a whole different way.

Now, just to let you know that I’m not just as tone-deaf as Legend appears to be, I get it. “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” written in 1949, is definitely a product of its time. But context is everything. The popular holiday song was originally written and performed by a husband and wife team, cutely depicting the pair’s flirtatious exchange. Even by 2019 standards, it’s far from offensive.

And no honest person would suggest that they’d say — or sing — anything less than “please stay” to a date that you picked up on Tinder.

Or Grindr.

One certainly wouldn’t warble “It’s your body, it’s your choice” and call an Uber for your date, as Legend does in the song, bouncing lyrics off of an equally clueless Kelly Clarkston. If I didn’t know better, I’d think their new version of the song was a parody, or an indictment of the #MeToo movement that I’m sure they both support.

Sharon Osbourne and Teigen got into a tiff about all of this, after Osbourne denounced the song on her daytime talk show, The Talk. Dean Martin’s daughter has even chimed in. I’m with them:

If you don’t like the song, Mr. Legend, don’t record or sing it. But don’t take a work of art and change it to try to accommodate modern day sensibilities.

And if Legend has a hankering to remake pop hits for the #MeToo crowd, he should start with his own catalog. He could start with his 2008, afore referenced “Green Light.” If he’s not on the chase on that one…

Legend should stick to what he does best: write and record fantastic originals and faithful cover songs, in a world where people won’t be rewriting his songs 70 years from now.

And prance around the house naked.

Maybe Teigen will snap and post an updated shot of Legend’s 2019 bare ass, to justify her husband’s new Sexiest Man Alive title.

That would ensure the merriest of Christmases.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really must go…